Self esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect. Today’s post will move away from knitting for a moment and then circle back, ok? Today I invite you into my heart, so you really understand who I am. If I could go back and sit down with me, I could have saved myself a lifetime of hurt. Let’s start with little GG
Self esteem is meant to be how I feel about me, right? Yea, no, because most of how I felt about me was based on what someone else said or did. I grew up as a little girl in the 70’s. That is when I learned the burden of my dark skin. That is when I was convinced I would never be considered pretty because I was dark skinned. It was then that I was taught that when you are dark like me, you stay away from bright colors.
Oh if only I can go back and see that I truly wasn’t the darkest person around AND that dark didn’t mean ugly. If I could talk to me, I would force me to look in the mirror and truly see the beauty within. I would tell me that folks saying I was pretty for a dark skinned girl, was their issue not mine. The fact that I couldn’t just be pretty was them trying the navigate with their own baggage. I would love if I knew that bag was NOT mine to carry…but carry it I did.
Happiness
Another thing I would say to me is this…I am responsible for making me happy. Let me type that again. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING ME HAPPY! I spent most of my life searching for happy as if I could use google to find the address. Most of my life the “self” in self esteem was lost on me. I kept looking for someone else to make ME happy, make me feel pretty, tell me I wasn’t too dark, when I had the power all the time. This year marks chapter 54 and I still have to remind myself of this very important fact.
As you can see this is a deep conversation, but it would have saved me so much heartache. Now I would to talk to me about comparison. I want to talk about how comparing myself to others robbed me of a major chunk of my life. If only I didn’t look at others and automatically put myself down. If you let me tell it, I was never pretty enough or smart enough. Ugh I have been so hard on me, most of my life.
Five years ago I wrote a blog post about how comparing can kill your confidence. Here is where the knitting comes into play. Although I am a grown ass woman, my self esteem or lack thereof, rears it’s ugly head in all aspects of my life.
Self Talk Is Powerful
For years I was afraid of knitting because of course I couldn’t do that. Oh my GAWD I wish I could time travel and convince me that I can do whatever the hell I try to do. I would count myself out before I even tried. It took me all this time to face my fears. This post I talk about pushing past my fear of sweaters. Nobody told me I couldn’t knit a sweater, I did that! If I could somehow go back and teach me that I need to always cheer for me, I swear I would.
What about you? If you could go back and have a talk with the younger you. What would you say?
You were a gorgeous child and I can’t believe they told you no bright colours. Admittedly I’ve been told that too, I grew up in navy blue with the odd bit of turquoise. My skin might be white, but since I’ve grown up I’ve worn what I love not what people tell me I should. I did have my colours done but that’s just helped me see which versions of the brights work for my skin tone. You’d look amazing in jewel tones I suspect, mine need to be a touch muted so I wear the colours rather than them wearing me.
As for me I think I’d tell my younger self to be more careful with money and that stuff doesn’t make you happy. I’ve since learned that I’m made happy by creativity and my loved ones.
Oh yes if I could go back and scream đź—Łsave as much as you can!
It’s so hard for all of us to not judge ourselves by what others have said. A woman selling makeup in a department store once told my mom she shouldn’t leave the house without lipstick on because she was too pale. At 77 she still won’t go without lipstick. It drives me nuts! Mom…the lady was trying to sell makeup for goodness sake! I think I would tell my younger self (and current self) not just to not let other people’s comments rule what you do, but also to make sure my comments don’t hurt others in ANY way. Tell people what you admire about them, what they do well, what looks great on them…even strangers! So, GG: you were an adorable child (OMG the pigtails! So cute!!!), you are gorgeous in so many ways that it shines through to complete strangers on the internet, and you look FABULOUS in bright colors!
Awww thank you!!
Self talk is very powerful- and like you, it took me way too long to start talking to myself in a kind way. I was never the beauty ideal- I am 59 and it was always the blond haired, tall slender beauties that caught the eye. I am none of that.
If I could go back, I would tell younger me that listening to others ideas of beauty will only bring pain. Take up running sooner- it makes your brain happy. It’s ok if you are slow.
I am glad you came to knitting and have stayed. I am glad you have taken the beautiful orange that just glows on you and made it yours.
Your experience reminds me that it is important what we say to children and how we share the world with them. They only have us to look to, so showing them how to value themselves is a big job.
hugs GG!!
Yes we must be very aware of what we say to the babies. It starts there
What would I tell my younger self…
– Listen! Learn!
– My self worth doesn’t depend on what other people think of me.
– None of these people whose opinions you care about will matter to you in 10 years so don’t worry about it.
The question is, would I have listened to me back to then??
Lol! Well yea that part.
I was very ill when I was born. My parents were told I wouldn’t live past 4 years old. Well in a couple months I will be 65. Understandably my dad was very overprotective, there was so much I wasn’t allowed to do because he felt I wasn’t strong enough. I never learned to swim although I was allowed to play in the ocean whenever we went to Nova Scotia. I never had a bike yet my brother & sisters did.
I never did well in school because I have a learning disability. I was 32 before I learned to drive. In grade 10 I said I wanted to work with children with disabilities I was told no I was to tender and soft hearted. I quit school that year, got a job as a teller worked my butt off to become a senior manager at head office until I had to retire to become my husband’s primary care giver. A person recently told me I may not be book smart but I am wise. I still lack confidence in myself and have to remind myself what I have accomplished. I am not college smart but I am independent, strong and kind. I raised my children to be strong self confident people.
Bravo for kicking the odds in the ass🙌🏾
1. You were and are more than pretty, you are beautiful, inside and out [though that expression always kind of made me laugh, as in what do they mean by that? Beautiful guts? In your case, a beautiful heart and brain, and the guts to become your true self.]
2. What would I tell my younger self? “Don’t hide your light under a bushel! Don’t be afraid to be yourself!” My younger self subscribed more fearfully to the Japanese concept of “The nail that sticks up will be hammered down.” I did step to a different drummer, but I hid my unconventional personality. It took me a long time to trust my creative instincts. When I completed my bilingual teacher training at age 50, I went to the job interview wearing a bright purple suit. The superintendent commented, “Wow! That’s colorful!” I smiled and said, “Life is short. We might as well be joyful.” Then I switched to fluent Spanish, knowing that she was a native speaker. She asked me about my philosophy of education. I told her I believe all kids are geniuses, each in their own way, until someone tells them otherwise. Confidence at last, and the job was mine despite the potential limitations of my age and scoliosis. Older but wiser.
~Refugio
You go! I have never heard that saying before. Thanks for sharingb
So you got picked on because your skin was darker? What is it with us humans? Me, I was taller and bigger than most girls and did not have a curvy figure, good skin, and fit in. My father would point out how heavy I was. But somehow, somewhere along the line, I decided that was OK, that I was never going to be like the other girls, and that I had a choice of being OK with that and liking myself, or I could be miserable. Glad I picked the former. I’m 63 now, and still don’t fit in, but I am a helluva lot happier with myself than most of them are. I enjoy reading what you write!
Thank you for reading and responding
Oh GG thank you for sharing your story. So moving. How heartbreaking to believe you will never be beautiful because of your skin. Your skin is divine. Those feelings are familiar to me as well. Growing up with the media pushing products at us and images of girls and women that are modified to remove any flaw. This and worse for black little girls who never saw a girls or women In those ads who looked like them. You are brave and beautiful beyond measure. As for knitting I am novice. I still can’t believe I’m doing it and the things I make come out to look as intended. I still make LOTS of mistakes and rip outs though. I’m finally daring to make a sweater though and darned proud of it.
Yay! Make that sweater!
I would tell my younger self to be me…. Not what others want you to be. Don’t be afraid to be you, it doesn’t matter whose talking about you, that’s their problem not yours. Growing up was tough, but I know know at age 60 I’m tougher. Thanks for being you!!
Thank you 🤗
I would go back and tell my younger self; You have so much talent, intelligence, and beauty that you are WASTING!!! I remember wanting to be an architect, but thought I was so ugly that I would never get a job at so I didn’t pursue. Can you believe that? I actually thought that my talents and ambition wouldn’t be enough??!! I din’t go to college, because I was told by my family that it’s such a waste for me to do that, I should just go to work. I actually thought that I was not worth enough to get an education. You better believe, when my little sister, 15 years my junior, started having those same discussions, I fought with my family to support her natural curiosity and build her up to get a chemistry degree. I would tell myself to fight for me as much as I fought for my sister. I wouldn’t change the fight I had for her, but I was worth that fight, too!
Aww I’m sorry and happy you broke the cycle for your sister. Bravo
Ahhh, GG, beautiful post. I had none of the difficulties you faced because of the colour of your skin, but you were, and are, a beautiful soul.
I hid my intelligence for decades – first because my dad would compare my younger brother to me in our school marks (I found school too easy, and my brother didn’t try to get good marks – so I did less so that the gap between our school marks was less, and so my brother wouldn’t have such a bad time with my dad). Then as a blue-eyed blonde, I hid my intelligence from boys who were so intimidated by smart females they would never talk to me otherwise. That carried on into my 30’s. Wow, playing the dumb blonde is so not being true to myself. Finally, I grew up and decided I wasn’t going to hide. Got my first degree when I was 40 and went on to a Master’s degree, which I completed 2 years later – just to prove to myself that I was as smart as I thought I was. It was all done part time while I worked full time, and took a total of 8 years to complete both degrees. Needless to say I remained single until I was a month away from my 50th birthday. My husband loves that I am smart as well as still being a blue-eyed blonde!
I would tell my younger self that if people are intimidated by you just being yourself, then they are the ones with the problem, and you don’t need to lower yourself to fit in with their ideas of what I should be.
No I don’t know what it is like to live my life without my white privilege, but I am learning from you and from others to listen and understand. I’m also sharing my learning with other friends who I believe need this better understanding. Thank you so much.
Wow! Thanks for sharing. Thank you 🤗 for being here, I truly appreciate you
I feel you completely. I would love to go back and tell me so many things that could have saved me from being abused. I wonder though so many times if that would have changed where I am now. Would I have my wonderful husband, my beautiful children and my true friends. Would I have appreciated it? Would I have been able to teach my daughter to not be body shamed? Would I have been able to put value in who people are and enjoy them as they have come and gone in my life. Maybe just maybe we needed to follow the path put in front of us to be and appreciate where we are now. Even in this crazy time you have shown me to look back on my mistakes and change so that I can teach my son not to perpetuate the same mistakes. Just my thoughts on this.
I love this perspective. I love who I am now..just wish I could have gotten here sooner. Thanks for responding
Who could ever say that Little GG was anything other than beautiful!?!? And Middle GG! And Adult GG! You are gorgeous … and your smile is THE BEST.
Aww thank you🤩
Neither one of her daughters was ever thin enough (or, in my case, blonde enough) for my mother. We grew up with her constantly going on about our weight. My sister had dark brown hair, but I was a blonde baby, and my mother was hellbent on keeping me that way— she started bleaching and dying my hair when I was two years old. We were never pretty enough or thin enough— and then we grew up, and we realized that our mother, at 5’4” and 90 lbs with an obsession with weight, had anorexia nervosa. Aaaaaaand that she had narcissistic personality disorder, with no conscience at all. And that we had never gotten to enjoy being normal, healthy girls who were actually on the slim side. We each have one daughter now— they are teenagers, and best friends, and they’re beautiful just the way they are. It’s actually very healing to raise them to know how they’re loved. So I didn’t get negative talk from the culture like you did— you had one more dimension of these things to deal with, every bit as false as what we heard from our mother. Your dark skin is beautiful— and won’t look like hell when you’re 70 like my Irish skin will. :). It’s a lifelong journey, isn’t it?
Oh gosh, so many things. Just popping in to say that you are lovely and I think part of getting older is realizing these things–even if it’s late. (That’s why the whole “best days of our lives” thing about high school/college is so icky to me. I’m SO glad I’m approaching 40 and not in my 20s anymore. I hope I’ve grown as a person since then both in how I treat myself and how I treat others. <3 )
I write books on girls’ self-esteem, body image, sexuality, selfhood. I think I do it in part because I didn’t have anyone to talk to me as a girl in the way I hope we can talk to them now. So, two things: one, while we can’t go back and talk to our younger selves, we can be there today for the girls in our lives. And two, guess what? We are STILL our younger selves compared to who we will be in 20 years! What do you think our our 70-year-old selves will wish today’s self knew? How will they wish we were kinder to ourselves, more appreciative of our health and our (relative) youth? They will look back at our middle aged skin and bodies from their perspective and say, Whoa! I wish I knew what I had when I had it!!!
True!
If I could go back, I would tell myself, you, everyone’s younger selves that the things that shape us — those casual, unkind comments that we take by heart and allow to steer our lives — aren’t true. They’re the imperfect reactions of imperfect people. So often my parents and family members were just doing the best they could with what they had at the time. The fact that they were my parents didn’t make them gods. They were just human beings, messing up as human beings do.
I’m dealing with this question in therapy right now. I would say her (me): it’s ok to be sad and angry that you aren’t loved by everyone and that you are bullied. I would also tell her it’s ok to be vulnerable sometimes and admit you’re not perfect. Finally, I would tell her an authentic gratitude practice and other mindfulness practices help weather the storms. Also go to church and connect with others that share your values.
No one. Seriously no one should’ve have been saying that crap to a child. If I could go back in time, I’d go back with you and scream at their faces.
I’ve had some of that “you shouldn’t wear…” crap in my life but that has been in the US and some conservative pockets in India. Growing up in India, it’s expected that kids should wear bright and happy colors. I’m truly sorry that the little child that was you was subjected to such cruel comments.
Yes if we could only go back. Thank you 🤗